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WEB 4 - ARCHIVE
Commentary 20 - Page 4 |
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Recognising our state It seems to me that this situation has a particular significance at the time of prayer. Prayer will seem different to us, depending on which of these stages we are upon, but there is one factor which is highly misleading and must be understood first. When we first come under grace, we will be filled with such delight that we feel and act as if we were already upon the third step, and this baptismal exaltation may stay with us for several years. It is only when - for so many of us in modern times - this initial excitement ends in disappointment, that the struggle and afflictions begin. It is long after this, even, that we may begin to apply a teaching that was once given by Boris Mouravieff, when he told us to use the Jesus Prayer in a particular way, as if the first part was about something wonderful, about Our Lord, but the second half was about something sorrowful: about our own dreadful state. "Lord Jesus Christ, son of God" … that goes with love and joy. "… have mercy on me, a sinner," that, with remorse. With sorrow that I have not come up to the example set for me. The contrast is the key: it creates what Boris Mouravieff calls a 'potential difference.' It makes the prayer real, effective, powerful. Today we can understand this idea in a more exact way, but at first only during the time of prayer itself. At this time we can observe what rules us from moment to moment as we fondly imagine we are praying. At one moment we want to be away doing something else; we are thinking about anything that comes to mind, and our prayer is forgotten in daydreaming, or what Mouravieff called 'considering.' First of all, we need to recognise this state we are in: to be aware that what is motivating us at that time is not something we have chosen, have decided, but is, as it might be said, 'anything that the cat drags in.' We need to be disappointed in this: to hate it, to feel in our hearts a great compunction because of it. It all happens in the moment and is seen only in the moment. That is why it takes us so long before we can see it. That is why I am still only learning this thing. At another moment, of course - even if briefly - we remember why we are praying, and then all goes well. We must learn also to recognise this state - and to love it. Then we must force ourselves back to this state time after time. We must aim to achieve this in each single time given to prayer, and also to do so regularly each time we give a period of time to prayer. But again, I cannot yet do this! If we succeed in remembering this, our real motive for giving time to prayer, we will find ourselves turning towards our real motive more and more, instead of less and less. Our prayer will be transformed. You may not be able to do this now. If not, you will have to wait. Sometimes, only desperation is enough! But in the meantime, let us pray, each for the other, that soon we will be able to take this step, and keep on taking this step, trudging onwards against the heaviness of heart until it becomes lighter, and so kindle the fire that sleeps in our heart. |
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